Andaman Coast, Thailand, Part One- Sink or Swim!!!



Part One - Before the Monsoon

Phuket & Ko Phi Phi (May 28-June 5)

Essentially my time on the Southwestern coast of Thailand can be divided into two parts -beforethe heavy, flash-floodlike rains...and after.

The first relatively dry segment, on Phuket and Ko Phi Phi Islands, was spent rather idyllically- strolling along pristine beaches (with sand so soft, a baby could sleep bucknaked on it), perusing the exotic fresh fruit and vegetable stalls, inhaling the strange but mouthwatering aromas of an assortment of Thai local dishes, and photographing the extraordinarily playful monkeys hanging around the Buddhist temples and beaches. Bliss!

I traveled from Bangkok to Phuket Island on an overnight train and, frankly, I was rather impressed. The 2nd-class sleeper car was both comfortable and clean. I also felt quite safe as I locked all my valuables up in my portable safe and attached it to the iron rod above my bed. Didn't want to lose my brand new iPhone after all! My only complaint would be the fact that the train ended up arriving in Surat Thani 2 hours late. But this is a minor quibble as I was still able to catch my bus connection to Phuket Town without any problems.


Rather than stay at one of the more expensive resort-heavy beaches, I opted to stay in Phuket Town at the budget-minded Phuket Backpackers. It was a decent enough hostel I suppose, except for a few stray bed bugs. That's right, folks. I woke up after the first night with a dozen bites scattered along the back of my left arm. Strangely, these particular bed biters ignored the rest of my body and feasted only upon the one appendage. Weird, eh?

On my first day in Phuket, I went on an absolutely fantastic all-day excursion to Phang Nga Bay, which included a stopover at a Monkey Temple (Name unknown), a chance to go canoeing in some caves (Thanks but no thanks!), a visit to the gravity-defying island of Koh Ta-Pu (more commonly known as James Bond Island as it was featured in the 007 feature "Man with the Golden Gun"), and finally lunch at the charming floating village of Koh Panyee, where we also had the opportunity to visit an elementary school. Due to it being low season, the price of this grand excursion was 50% less than during high season, costing me only about $35. Such a deal!


The following day I hopped on a songthaew, which is essentially a sort of pick-up truck used as a shared taxi, and visited two of Phuket's most amazing beaches-Karon and Kata. Of the two, I slightly preferred Kata as it was a little less developed and thus quieter. The weather was incredibly HOT, humid and sunny that day as I walked the entire length of Karon Beach losing what felt like 90% of my body's water weight due to excessive sweating. I also couldn't help but think about the Boxing Day Tsunami of 2004 which ravaged Phuket and the surrounding area and try to envision what it might have been like to have been present on the beach on that tragic day. Tsunami evacuation signs are posted every few hundred meters near the coastline these days so it is (thankfully) highly unlikely in future that people will be caught so unawares.

On my final day in Phuket, I went to the super-developed and ever-so-tacky Patong Beach in search of pristine $100 dollar bills which I needed for my upcoming trip to Myanmar. After failing to find any new bills at the multitude of currency exchange offices littering the streets of Patong, I struck monetary "gold" at a bank on the lower level of the Jungceylon Shopping Center. There I was able to obtain seven "virgin" bills, which I safely tucked away in an envelope in my purse. Once I had my American moolah, I hightailed it out of Patong as the town is pretty much just an unpleasant string of bars and night clubs with throngs of nouveau-rich Russians and sunburnt-to-a-crisp Brits. Not my cup of tea...


Next up on my Andaman Coast Adventure was the island of Koh Phi Phi. The ferry from Phuket deposited me upon Phi Phi's main pier where all visitors are required to fork over a 20-Baht island cleaning fee, which is incredibly ironic as there is loads of garbage laying all about the village, leaving one to ponder what exactly is being done with all the cleaning money being accumulated, hmmm??

I had booked a bungalow just off of the beach at the Phi Phi Twin Palms Bungalows and let me tell you...this was the WORST place I have ever, ever, EVER stayed at in all my years of traveling!!! Why? Well....let's start off with the fact that there was an extremely loud disco located next door which had the bass level of its music up so high that the walls were practically shaking until nearly 2 o'clock in the morning. Secondly, there were bed bugs so incredibly blood thirsty that after 2 nights there, I was literally covered with over a hundred bites!! And if you have ever been bitten by a bed bug, you should know how unbelievably itchy their bites can be! It is next-to-impossible to sleep soundly (without the assistance of valium or a hammer blow to the head rendering one unconscious) for the itching is so uber powerful that one constantly is being awakened with the urge to scratch...scratch...SCRATCH!!! You had better believe that I bitched complained and insisted that they remedy the situation. They ended up moving me to their "sister" establishment, the Twin Palms Residence, which was slightly more upscale and mercifully free of bugs. I also insisted that they reimburse me the 370 Bahts I spent at the pharmacy on antihistamines and anti-itching cream. At first they balked at doing so, but when I threatened to upload photographs of my body covered in bites on the Internet....well, they instantly caved and gave me the money. Damn straight!


The next day I nearly drowned.

Seriously, I had a really willy-nilly scary moment during a half-day snorkeling/swimming excursion around the Ko Phi Phi Islands. The excursion cost only 250 baht (roughly $8.50) so we're talking bargain-basement here-no frills or adequate safety nets provided. Our outing took place on a traditional longtail boat and we had a full house of budget-minded backpackers on board. The sea was really quite rough that morning due to the fact that a monsoon-level storm was only hours away from hitting the Andaman Coast (not that I knew this at the time, mind you) so we were constantly being sprayed with sea water as our boat hit the waves. I seriously worried that our boat would flip over as the waves were high enough to rock the boat to and fro'. Stupidly enough, I had brought along my precious digital camera, not realizing that we would be traveling under such questionably dangerous conditions, so I tried to protect it as best I could by wrapping it in a semi-waterproof dry bag inside my daypack.

Our first stop was supposed to be the beach at Malong Bay, made famous as the primary filming location of Leonardo DiCaprio's, "The Beach." On days when the sea ain't misbehaving, longtail boats can pull right into the small tranquil cove, but this was not one of those days, alas. Instead, our Einstein of a boat captain threw the anchor down on the opposite side of the bay, a considerable ways away from a broken down dilapidated-looking stairway which led up from the open sea alonside some huge rocks, and instructed us to jump out and "Swim!!" Say what?!!? You mean you want us to swim 20 meters through rough seas and haul ourselves up some precarious broken steps while dangerous waves are crashing into said steps. If the waves didn't drown us, surely we would we swept into the rocks, no?? Gulp. I instantly grabbed a life jacket, knowing full well that I wasn't particularly that strong of a swimmer even in an indoor pool. Oh and the boatman lent me his dry bag so I could take my camera with me into the water (Gee, how thoughtful! Hmpf!). A couple of other girls also opted for life jackets, but the others jumped in without and starting swimming fast and furiously to safety.


Once in the beastly sea, I started kicking my legs as hard as my little engine could but using only one arm (as the other was holding the dry bag with my camera) to try and make my way over to the steps. Unfortunately, due to the incredible strength of the waves and the fact that my swimming was hampered by the damn dry bag I was holding, I wasn't making much progress and found myself soon starting to panic as I realized I wouldn't be able to reach safety unassisted. I began shouting, "Help! Help! I can't make it!" Thankfully, a Korean fellow was a few meters in front of me and heard my frantic cries and came back for me. With heroic Herculean strength, he managed to push me close enough to the steps where I then managed to grab hold of a rope that was dragging in the water and haul myself up the steps without being thrown into the rocks. Once at the top of the stairs where there was a place to sit down, I began hyperventilating. Fortunately, one of the girls with us had some medical training and managed to calm me down so that I was once again breathing normally but let me tell you, I have never felt that scared even when I went bungy jumping in Nepal! I had a couple of bruises and a long scratch on one of my calves, but others were even more banged up with blood trailing across their chests and legs where the rocks had scratched them. One French girl was particularly bad off as her foot was potentially broken (or at best, merely twisted), leaving her unable to walk. On the plus side no one in fact actually drowned. One American girl in our group spoke Thai and as politely but firmly as possible told the boatman that he would have to come up with a safer way for us to return to our boat (which he did actually - using secured ropes). I am happy to report, however, that my camera remained dry and undamaged throughout the watery ordeal!

And you know what!? For all the extreme physical effort put in to successfully reach "The Beach", it just wasn't all that amazing. I mean, of course it was beautiful, but if I had a dollar for every gorgeous beach there is in Thailand, I would be as wealthy as the late and not-so-dearly-departed shoe whore Imelda Marcos so...if any of my readers should ever find themselves in this particular neck of the woods world and are told to "Swim!!!" to the DiCaprio Beach, do yourself a favor and...just...DON'T BOTHER.


Our dramatic-but-thankfully-not-deadly excursion did have one fantastic magical moment at the very end though. There is a beach (known as "Monkey Beach") not too far from the main bay of Phi Phi Island but which can only be reached by small boats. Monkeys often hang about in the trees which hang over this small beach and are so accustomed to the tourists that one is able to feed them watermelon or pineapple by hand. At first I felt a bit apprehensive about getting so close to them as I hadn't bothered to get a rabies vaccination. But once I had watched others in our group go right up to them and have the monkeys take the fruit from their hand with nary a bite to be bitten, I lost all my inhibitions. And frankly, I was incredibly charmed by the way in which these monkeys ably used their fingers/hands to grip and hold the fruit! It was 110% clear to me how closely related we humans are to simians (Expendable Thumbs Rule!). Take that any evolutionary nay sayers!

The afternoon weather took a huge turn for the worse upon the conclusion of the Phi Phi Near-Drowning Snorkeling Extravaganza(TM). The depressingly dark clouds rolled in and the heavens unleashed a downpour which was merely a tasty tease of what was to come.


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